One step forward, two steps back.

                           Me and Morgan enjoying the Sun           Boat houses along Evan's Bay

  Yesterday was a beautiful day in Wellington. We enjoyed a nice brunch on the waterfront, took a walk to take some photographs along the bay and enjoyed the glorious sunshine.  Little did we know that the Cantabrians were again reeling from a horrendous aftershock.  It seems you really can never let your guard down in New Zealand.


  Needless to say, last night I repacked the emergency bag, checked batteries, assessed the water and portable food situation and make sure coats and shoes were waiting by the front door. I have packed all the things I wish I had with me in Christchurch and have planned today to mail our irreplaceable photographs back to the States. Unfortunately, that means back to either North Carolina (tornadoes) or Florida (hurricane season approaching). The earth seems really angry right now.

  It has been almost two months since the big earthquake and I have been able to spend some time with a few fellow survivors that are here in Wellington, most work at the Embassy. We talk about where we were, how we got to the Antarctic Center and how we are coping now. They are not all coping well. Some still jump when they hear loud noises. We all feel tremors when there is a quake on the North Island, we dream about earthquakes and some unlucky ones have physical manifestations of the stress. I spoke to one woman who said she sometimes just sits and cries. I understand.

  One revelation that some of us shared is how insignificant we are. Not to our families, of course, but in general.  We are ants in a massive anthill.  We are all refocused on what really and truly matters. Personally, I unfriended a boatload of Facebook friends. I have friends on there that I've never even met but are a distant relative or the mom of one of Ewan's soccer buddies from South Dakota that I don't remember but didn't want to be rude to by not friending. Well. I don't really have time for them anymore. I have real friends to love and talk to.

  In today's newspaper there was a story about a Christchurch woman who tried to kill herself and her two children by gassing them in the car. All survived.  Can you imagine the grief that led her to that? If you would have asked me two months ago, I would have said no. The constant vigilance is exhausting. Just leaving the house to take a child to school is an ordeal. I need my cellphone (fully charged), flashlight, pocket knife, matches, candles, water, granola bars, sturdy shoes, warm clothes, rain coat, passport, external hard drive for laptop ( All of the things we took to Christchurch two months ago are still in the hotel there including Adrian's computer with 1000s of photos and documents on it), cash (ATMs will not work in a quake), first aid kit, etc. The list can go on forever. When you run from your house or work or wherever, you leave with what you have on your back or what you can manage to grab on your way out. You may never be allowed into your house again. I regret bringing so much stuff with me.

  Perhaps most disappointing was the lack of support I felt from the medical community.  You really are on your own sometimes. Nobody is going to hold your hand and make sure you are ok. Nobody is going to make appointments for you when you are trying to get through a day without having a panic attack and nobody, I mean nobody who wasn't in the same situation, is going to understand why you just aren't over it yet or why you absolutely cannot go to a restaurant downtown.

  How can you get over it when you have 17 more major and minor quakes and aftershocks within a 48 hour period (http://www.geonet.co.nz/) ? I dunno but it really makes my latest attempt at weight loss and healthy lifestyle a bit insignificant.  There was something strangely comforting about spaghetti for breakfast today.

Losing weight one measly pound at a time.

  Well, I didn't exactly break any records with the exercise bit but I did manage to lose 2 lbs by giving up alcohol and Doritos.  I have decided that Saturday nights are not applicable. That is the one day a week I don't have to feel guilty.

  Today I plan on biking 12 miles. Not because I want to but because Morgan has to run 12 as part of his marathon training and needs a coach today (Dad is working- yes, on a Sunday. He worked yesterday too) and I can't run that far so I am going to bike it with him.

  If I can sustain 2lbs a week, I think I am in good shape to be fit for winter (summer in the USA).

  It is really hard to stay on track when you have a teen aged boy in the house who requires large amounts of food.  It is just too easy to fill the cupboards with chewy bars and chips instead of chopping up carrot sticks and fruit.  Plus, eating healthy is really expensive.  I am saving @ $50 a week though by cutting out the red wine.

  It would have been easier if I were one of those women who lost weight when they were stressed out. I could be a waif by now but instead the earthquake stress just gave me a rash and 5 extra pounds.  Not cool.

Getting strong and fit.

  It is no secret that I am unfit. This is not acceptable.  I used to be an athlete.  I've run two half marathons and countless 5ks and 10ks.  Somewhere along the line in the chaos of the last 2 years, I have given myself permission to become my worst nightmare, unfit and middle aged. Frumpy.  While I cannot control my age, I can control my fitness level. 

  When I was waiting in the Botanical Gardens in Christchurch, after the earthquake, I was facing a night sleeping on the ground with no pillow, blanket or red wine.  It seemed impossible.  Luckily, I was able to get our before nightfall so sleeping on the ground was not necessary but I was surprised by what my reaction was. I was thinking about how my back was going to hurt, how my feet were hurting, stomach (acid), _____fill in the blank.  I am a mess and it is my own fault.

  My husband and I decided to make this life change and knew it would be challenging but I was very naive about it. Not only do you have to be mentally prepared to live in a foreign country, you should also be physically prepared.  Along with new languages, you are exposed to new allergens, bugs, germs and terrain (HILLS EVERYWHERE !)  Luckily, I have a good immune system so have been spared most of the ailments afflicting many of the Americans at post but the hills in Wellington are kicking my butt.  I love walking and hiking but am not fit enough to keep up with even the old and infirm.  This has to change. 

  My husband and I have vowed (again) to get in shape starting yesterday. So, you may want to avoid this blog for a bit, it is going to get boring.  The next 3 months of posts will be for me, as an online account of my progress or lack of.  I am not going to post my weight or how much I intend to lose but will post if I lose or gain any.  And, if I reach my goal weight, I will confess my starting weight.

 Day one: (yesterday)- Quit sneaking cigarettes. We're not fooling anyone anyway.  Limit myself to a glass of wine with dinner only when dining out.  No chocolate or potato chips (I ate Doritos)

Day two:  (today) No Doritos.  Go for long walk. 

See you  tomorrow.

Getting back to normal...almost.

  It has been a month since the earthquake and things are starting to feel normal again.  I've been taking Ewan to soccer practice, taking my friends up on invitations for walks and lunches and walking through downtown occasionally without looking up at the buildings. I still walk toward the street side of the walkways, just in case but, I think I will do that for as long as we are in New Zealand.  After all, there have been hundreds of after shocks and dozens of mini quakes in the last month but this is "normal" for New Zealand. Something I didn't know before I came here.

  While I mentally feel fine, my body is still trying to deal with the over abundance of adrenaline in my system due the constant state of hyper vigilance I am in.  It has metastasized into a very large rash covering most of my body.  I can deal with this. I know it will eventually go away but it is a nuisance and very itchy.  Apparently this is common for folks who experience extreme stress.

  I volunteered at my sons school today in the snack shop, it is one of my favorite things to do. I get to see them running to class and at morning tea and lunch.  Sometimes I even get a cuddle from Ewan.  Morgan just comes for the food but it is still nice to see him.  I was also delighted to notice that my rash was receding today. It was mainly on my arms and legs and I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I attributed it to my sense of calm throughout the day. I was laughing with Clare, the shop manager, and the sun was shining beautifully.  I was feeling strong and happy. Then the school had a surprise earthquake drill.  Bummer, the rash is back full force. I can only laugh at my dumb luck.

Tomorrow I will start again.
 

"I'm on medication" - my new disclaimer

To make a long story short, and save myself from rambling like I sometimes do, I will start off by saying, "I was in an earthquake, got really freaked out, came home, had more earthquakes, got more freaked out, then a tsumami warning after Japan's earthquake" ....well, it sent me over the edge.

Mentally I thought I was doing fine, but my body was not having conversations with my mind so my fear manifested itself in the form of a very large stress rash over 1/3 of my body requiring large doses of prednisone. Prednisone makes you jumpy, racy (not in a sexy way), anxious and manic. Oh, and you gain 2 lbs a day. No joke. Since I have to be on it for 10 days, I have 20 lbs to look forward to.

Nice.

Anyway, I have to remind myself that I am on it and need to "find a happy place" now and then to calm down so I don't freak out my children.

After a weird exchange with my son this morning about cereal, I started going a bit berserk and my husband noticed it. He's a good diffuser of tense situations. I felt bad even though the exchange was minor and really not worth noticing, but "I'm on medication" so I feel things differently right now. The real prize, though, is that I have an awesome husband who really does love me and is probably the number one reason I stay sane.

I was feeling ashamed of myself and really needy. I know he went through the same thing I did, but he was having to take care of me. When he got to work I sent him a sheepish email saying thanks and that I was sorry he got saddled with such a nut case wife. "You're not a nutcase", he wrote back. "You're the love of my life and a damn find find". Enough said.

He gets my hero award ......again. 

What can you say?

What is there to say when so many people, an entire country is grieving? To say that the earthquake in Japan has affected New Zealand would be an understatement. Just when the Kiwis were starting to rally again, boom. Reality of what the earth is capable of has set in. Stay strong Japan, our hearts and thoughts are with you and your people.

The World does not stop when you do.

  I am feeling much better that I was even just a few days ago. Though the mini earthquakes have not stopped in NZ, we have learned not to freak out at the slightest rumble. What else can you do? I do still feel a little stupid for living on a fault line but hey, I'm still in New Zealand and it is gorgeous.

 There are no big reptiles or dangerous snakes, bugs or large cats so I can let the kids walk down to the park alone and all I have to worry about are the 2 places where they have to cross our suburb's streets. I can live with that. We won't be swimming in the bay just yet (Orcas) but we can go sit by the bay and enjoy it's loveliness.
  I do still mourn for Christchurch and probably will for a long time but my life was spared and it is busy. Today I have a house to clean, dinner party to prepare for, food to buy and a 6th grade open house thrown in the middle of it. No time to sit and weep. For that, I am thankful.