Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Don't let them change you.

  I've been having a few "poor me" moments lately brought on by an inordinate amount of stress. Ilnesses, divorce (not mine), law suit, house renovation 9000 miles away, pack out, school transfers, etc. I am beginning to think that this high octane stress level is the new norm and will just have to get used to it. Most of it is beyond my control anyway.
  This lifestyle comes with a whole new set of little annoyances that you don't consider until you are overseas, and I'm in a first world country. Imagine what it's going to be like when I head to my first third world country! Something as simple as registering a car becomes a week long event involving countless emails, notaries and family members in country. Add to that, the fact that our Embassy here  in Wellington doesn't have a notary and it gets even more complicated. How can we NOT have a notary at the United States Embassy?
  I admit, I've let it get to me. I threw my hands up in despair and started thinking that I wasn't cut out for this. And then, the doubt crept in. Maybe I wasn't as awesome as I thought I was. Maybe people were talking behind my back, and saying that I wasn't good enough. Maybe I'm not smart enough or witty enough or pretty enough to be a diplomat's wife. I can set a table and cook the right food but what if I cannot hold up my end of a conversation? I even started to question the color of my hair. What if people think that I am trying to be too young by dying my hair? I was freaking out. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK??
  Then it hit me, or rather, my husband reminded me; it doesn't matter what anyone thinks except him and my boys. They think I am awesome. I don't know when this low self esteem thing started but I am pretty sure it began when we left North Carolina to head up to DC. How it happened doesn't matter. That it happened and. happened to ME, matters. I am uber-confident. I am the person who volunteers to speak in public and I will confront anyone if I feel I am being wronged. It is who I am, er, was. So this new weepy Amy was really getting on my nerves. I tried to blame it on the earthquake but this started way before February 22. Luckily, I have a very supportive husband who reminded me that I have very good instincts and every decision I make is usually the right one. The confidence I oozed was the main thing that attracted him to me. I just forgot.
So, I am getting back to normal. No more seeking advice or confirmation. I am in charge of my own life and how I want to live it. Except for where I live it, or the house I will be living in to live it or the color of the walls of the house I will live in, or the furniture  or the schools my children will go to, etc. Except for all of that, I am in charge.


  1. I think you're just perfect! But, yes, I know that "am I doing it right" feeling, too. You'll get back to the old Amy soon enough. Here's hoping the stressful stuff floats away soon.

  2. Someone who knows once told me that feeling out of control of your own life is about the most stressful thing there is. Can you say FOREIGN SERVICE SPOUSE? Bingo!

    And paint your walls if they are really bugging you :)

  3. I have these phases too! It's easy to get caught up in what everyone else is doing and what they will think...but just like you said. Who cares?! I hope the stresses become less stressful. I try to keep things in perspective and focus on the tiny things that make me smile on a daily basis. My daughter getting her undies on backwards after EVERY time she goes potty, the dog chasing her tail, my brain fart moments in the kitchen. Best to keep laughing...or I'll cry!

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  5. We all have these moments of self-doubt and the am I good enough or I will never be good enough moments. It's hard to get out of them but I find that talking to a nice person (new or old friend), doing something I like (shopping), reading a good book, or some of the FS blogs usually cheers me up. Hopefully, you will feel better soon. And also, you know we are only a skype call away...


    maybe you've already seen this, but when i read it this morning, i thought of you. best of luck with everything!